In the midst of chaos and rebirth

Giving birth… A struggle, painful, ugly… A frenzy of pushing… A bloody, chaotic mess.

It is not pretty… It is not easy… The outcome is far from certain.

We are all in the midst of a monumental period of chaos and rebirth. Can you feel it around you? How is it showing itself to you?

For me, I feel it in the painful struggles of every day life; a chaotic mix of pushing and pulling, two steps forwards and one step back (or one step forwards, two steps back), a clear vision lying ahead but obstacles blocking the path, ridiculous difficulties cropping up at every turn, fear that financial stability is slipping out of reach, anger and frustration at the impasse.

The chaos, the struggle and the uncertainty are reaching into my depths and dragging back up with them every negative emotion and reaction possible. Fear and anger are the main players, but riding on dark horses with them are impatience, judgement and a lack of joy.

Yet… there are moments of pure and utter grace amongst the chaos that I recognise clearly for what they are. Miracles keeping my husband Bruno and I afloat as we attempt to sail through this storm. Tokens of love to remind us to keep going, to accept all that has to be and to remind us that we are somehow being looked after; we are not abandoned.

Does this pattern sound familiar to you? On speaking with friends, those who I know are living their life with eyes and hearts open and who are sensitive to the currents beneath the surface of everyday life, I know they are experiencing the same painful agonies in their lives. They are suffering the same bizarre moments of seemingly meaningless twists of fate; one moment all appears well and their goal is in sight, the next moment luck seems to turn on them and they stagger backwards again at the heavy blow. Their character, emotions and steadfastness are being tested to the limit. And yet… There are moments when a gift appears out of thin air to remind them of what is important and to renew their faith.

As within, so without… The struggles going on in the minute lives of so many of us are also being played out on the larger stage of societies, countries and the world. If you are not experiencing the chaos in your own life, maybe you can see it reflected all around you in the workings of society at large, institutions, banks, governments….. A push and pull, a chaotic struggle, a bloody mess with no clear picture of how to come through it intact, a sense that things should be different but with no certain knowledge of exactly how this will be possible. And all of this bringing out the worst of humanity in anger, judgement and greed, but also the best. There are those who not falling foul to their own demons but instead are attempting to keep faith alive and light the way forwards for others to follow.

I write with the voice of a child, with no weight of authority on which to stand my words. But this I see as the crux of the matter; we all have a choice to make and that choice is simply to become a light in dark times or to become the dark itself. The world is in a state of transition; it is a dynamic period of spring or autumn, certainly not a stable one of summer or winter. In every moment of our lives we are giving birth to the next one, but right now it is as if this state of birth, or rebirth, is heightened and the stakes are higher. We are all midwives to what comes next in this world, for better or for worse.

I remember a sentence uttered by Gandalf in Lord of the Rings, something along the lines of; “We can never choose the times in which we live, we can only choose what to do with the time that has been appointed to us.” That is true freedom. There are forces on the move in this world over which we have no power, no control. And yet we are not powerless. We can all find the light within ourselves and hold steadfastly to that. No matter what happens to any of us in 2012 and beyond, we can choose a path of anger, fear, despair, hatred, greed and judgement or one of acceptance, peace, love, compassion and understanding.

Every day I battle with my own demons of fear, anger, worry and despair. With the material future of my husband Bruno and I balancing on a knife-edge and the equally critical state of certain aspects of our families lives, I often lose the battle. But really I know I should know better! I know that it is not random luck that brought Bruno and I together and it is not random luck that hands little miracles to us along the way. I know there are deeper things at work. And I know what I have to do if I can just summon the self discipline to do so. I must keep faith, hope and love alive through these difficult times. That is the choice laid at my feet, I feel it beyond any shadow of doubt.

And I believe that is the choice laid before us all right now. It is a choice which some of us have a greater capacity to make than others. And I hope that those of us who sense this choice, who feel it sitting inside them in a place beyond words and reason, make that choice and hold it up high to light the way.

In the midst of this period of chaos and rebirth our collective lives are in the balance. We can all only do what is within our unique influence and capacity to do. But if as many of us as are able to hold true to the light then the balance may, God willing, tip in favour of transformation rather than devastating fall.


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